Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
