i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Randomize
