I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
