he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
