My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
