Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
