I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
