Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
