She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
