My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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