i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
