I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I cockslap morals
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
