He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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