he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
