oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
