Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
