I wish I could teleport
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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