I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
