Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
