My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
