Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
