Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize