There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
