I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
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you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
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And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.