New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.