So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
I'm going to Hell for sure
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.