In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
