Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We named our party play list daddy issues
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
