When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just high enough for therapy.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
