I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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