I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
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Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
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YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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