Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
