so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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