It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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