Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
