Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
