i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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