All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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