he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
