So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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