when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
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I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize