My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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