Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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