If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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