my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
