Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
