I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
