I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
