I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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