I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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