Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
third nipple confirmed
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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