Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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