yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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