i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
