my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
It's rum buckets o'clock
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
