Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
