I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
